The prime reason I am writing this blog is because right now, at 11:30 am, (an hour since I have reached my desk), I feel like giving up and going to sleep.
The trace of events which led to this momentous and overwhelming feeling leaves me obfuscated and with the kind of brain damage that Douglas Adams talks about (what with his brains imploding into itself to create a black hole)
I got up at 9:30 am... note that I slept at a conservative 1:30 am....
I didn't get up on my own of course, (9:30 is way too early for that); my landlord came by 15 days late to collect his rent. So the morning began with me being 550$ short. Nevertheless, I brush, rinse, clean up, wash up, and eat my breakfast. All this while I am driven by the desire and need to do original and ground breaking research at my desk. So I buck up and make the short trip to my lab listening to new millenium (dream theater). The charge in my step is electric, and at an all high energy.
Thus peppered with imaginations of a bright future with unlimited acclaim and half a dozen research papers, I sit down on my desk and play with my mouse and innumerable firefox tabs for 5 mins. As I go through my email, I have already forgotten about my dreams of academic acclaim. When I see people around me reading papers etc. I am reminded of my objective for being here. I open up my documents and start working. By this time its 10:40 am.
At 11:05 am, I look at the clock on the right bottom corner of my screen, and find myself yearning for something. With incredulity, I realize I want to sleep.
In a desperate attempt to justify a quick refuge to the lab couch, I try to recall how many hours I have worked already. After some time I realize its been about half an hour. Shit!!.
I play around with other excuses in my head. The classic one being, I must be attentive and concentrate well when I work, and thus I must give myself the rest I need to be so.
Finally, after twiddling my thumbs and my brain cells for 10 mins, I work a little more. I work till 11:30 am.
Suddenly, I am head down on my desk, justifying to myself that the act gives me a closer view of my monitor, which will somehow help me brainstorm better on my research.
11:40 and I open up Gmail and decide to write this blog, to post my concerns to the world. Is this a disease? Something seems to be wrong with me. How is it that people work 8 hours everyday when I cannot get past one?
I'm sure Ill get some insight from people on this blog, though while reading, by now, many are probably asleep
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
In Retrospect
There's not much I regret in my life.
However, I do wish I could go back and change a few things about myself, and change the way I acted or I thought.
1) Stud Factor - There is no such thing. You are good at certain things, and you're not good at others. No matter how many times you remind this to yourself, the environment (esp. at IITKgp) makes you crave for this elusive factor which sets your image in others' minds as the stud. A lot of us hide our wrongs and some of our stupider deeds because of the want for this factor. I wish I could say that I was never a victim of this bug. But it had me, and I didn't even realize till I was out.
More often than not, I've believed in this fake power that will allow me to score in exams I haven't studied for.
More often than not, I've tried to make a funny joke, just because someone else was doing it well, and landed flat on my face.
More often than not, I've been over-modest in the hope that the person in front will come back with even more praise.
More often than not, I've tried to act cool about some pretty bad things people said about my closest friend(s), and suffered in silence as it ruined my relationship(s).
More often than not, I have taken on responsibilities with a shrug (no big deal) and repented on the subsequent all-nighters that I had to pull in order to finish some arbit crap, which I didn't even get credit for, since I had made no big deal about it.
It changes your life. (for the worse).....
It does make for some pretty hilarious jokes and moments. (but they're all on you)
I wish I could go back and stop trying to be a stud, and just be myself..... it wud've helped me, my close ones, my friends, and perhaps.... even made me a real stud.....
Action items which could result in this change:
Be conscious of why you are acting the way you are acting.
Be conscious of moments when you act differently than you wanted to.
Be concsious of moments when you don't act at all, and when your mind is burning with desire to.
2) In the past factor - Many of the blogs you'll see from alums from my institute are often about something in Kgp itself. This is retroactive. I know, my previous description was inspired by my time in Kgp too. But its over..... and there's no point in nitpicking incidents at Kgp. Take the general lessons out and move on. Even as Im saying this, I can feel my own reaction towards my post. It sounds like a hollow effort to me. I'm stuck there in many ways myself. But, I've identified these things. I'm trying to shove it back and keep the good stuff with me and move on.
I wish I could go back to each semester, and forget about what I did the previous semester and start afresh, and have new objectives for the next one. I wish I could have prioritized based on my present mindset rather than borrowing from my previous one.
3) Ego/jealousy factor - As i said, there are things you're good at and there are things that you aren't. In fact your friends will make you think that you suck at those other things. Not explicitly; but since you always imagined you're going to be better than them at everything, and you ended up being worse at a lot those things, you are going to waste years wanting to live up to your self-pumped, self-assumed imagination(and no less than for things you don't even want as much). I wish I could go back and tell myself, " stop wasting your time competing with others, if you want to be good at something, measure with respect to yourself. If you're better the next day than you were on the previous, it means, in a year, you'd be as good or better than everyone else."
4) Love for pity - Everybody likes an agony aunt of their own. They want to indulge in visions where they are into the worst of ditches, and are in the worst of conditions possible. All this so that the person in front comes back with a consoling statement or two, a few insults for your enemies and so on. I wish I could go back and stop myself from whining for all the work that I had to do, or the crap I had to go through or whatsoever, so that I'd be in more control, appear more in control, and perhaps inspire a few people to be normal in this mass of crying babies.
5) Writing sad blogs - Self- explanatory....
However, I do wish I could go back and change a few things about myself, and change the way I acted or I thought.
1) Stud Factor - There is no such thing. You are good at certain things, and you're not good at others. No matter how many times you remind this to yourself, the environment (esp. at IITKgp) makes you crave for this elusive factor which sets your image in others' minds as the stud. A lot of us hide our wrongs and some of our stupider deeds because of the want for this factor. I wish I could say that I was never a victim of this bug. But it had me, and I didn't even realize till I was out.
More often than not, I've believed in this fake power that will allow me to score in exams I haven't studied for.
More often than not, I've tried to make a funny joke, just because someone else was doing it well, and landed flat on my face.
More often than not, I've been over-modest in the hope that the person in front will come back with even more praise.
More often than not, I've tried to act cool about some pretty bad things people said about my closest friend(s), and suffered in silence as it ruined my relationship(s).
More often than not, I have taken on responsibilities with a shrug (no big deal) and repented on the subsequent all-nighters that I had to pull in order to finish some arbit crap, which I didn't even get credit for, since I had made no big deal about it.
It changes your life. (for the worse).....
It does make for some pretty hilarious jokes and moments. (but they're all on you)
I wish I could go back and stop trying to be a stud, and just be myself..... it wud've helped me, my close ones, my friends, and perhaps.... even made me a real stud.....
Action items which could result in this change:
Be conscious of why you are acting the way you are acting.
Be conscious of moments when you act differently than you wanted to.
Be concsious of moments when you don't act at all, and when your mind is burning with desire to.
2) In the past factor - Many of the blogs you'll see from alums from my institute are often about something in Kgp itself. This is retroactive. I know, my previous description was inspired by my time in Kgp too. But its over..... and there's no point in nitpicking incidents at Kgp. Take the general lessons out and move on. Even as Im saying this, I can feel my own reaction towards my post. It sounds like a hollow effort to me. I'm stuck there in many ways myself. But, I've identified these things. I'm trying to shove it back and keep the good stuff with me and move on.
I wish I could go back to each semester, and forget about what I did the previous semester and start afresh, and have new objectives for the next one. I wish I could have prioritized based on my present mindset rather than borrowing from my previous one.
3) Ego/jealousy factor - As i said, there are things you're good at and there are things that you aren't. In fact your friends will make you think that you suck at those other things. Not explicitly; but since you always imagined you're going to be better than them at everything, and you ended up being worse at a lot those things, you are going to waste years wanting to live up to your self-pumped, self-assumed imagination(and no less than for things you don't even want as much). I wish I could go back and tell myself, " stop wasting your time competing with others, if you want to be good at something, measure with respect to yourself. If you're better the next day than you were on the previous, it means, in a year, you'd be as good or better than everyone else."
4) Love for pity - Everybody likes an agony aunt of their own. They want to indulge in visions where they are into the worst of ditches, and are in the worst of conditions possible. All this so that the person in front comes back with a consoling statement or two, a few insults for your enemies and so on. I wish I could go back and stop myself from whining for all the work that I had to do, or the crap I had to go through or whatsoever, so that I'd be in more control, appear more in control, and perhaps inspire a few people to be normal in this mass of crying babies.
5) Writing sad blogs - Self- explanatory....
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